50s Night - Zebrality

They weren't born in the 50s (a shiny new quarter to anyone that gets the reference), but tonight the Idols will tackle the songs of that music-defining decade, with a little help from Barry Manilow.

First up, it's Mandisa in what is seriously the most flattering dress of all time. She looks at least 60 pounds lighter. Wow. Anyway, the daring diva sings "I Don't Hurt Anymore" and is, in a word, absolutely amazing. She's got the look and the attitude down pat. She's always great when she belts something out, but tonight she excelled on the whole song, soft parts and quiet parts. Loved it. A 9.

Bucky is all dirtied up again to sing Buddy Holly's "Oh Boy". It's a karaoke performance. He uses all the same phrasing and inflections as in the original. It's not horrible, but it's nothing special. I liked the falsetto note at the end, but that's about it. It's a tepid 6.

Paris transports me back in time with a sick (hey, I just found a webpage with teen slang, I'm going use it) yellow dress and a fantastic vocal on "Fever". She vamps in all the right places and wails in all the other places. I got Goosebumps all over. I can't decide between Paris and Mandisa, so Paris gets a 9 too.

Chris is going to put his spin on "I Walk The Line". Chris' spin is to turn every song into a late 90s/early 00s hard rock song. The judges love him for this, but I fail to see how it's any different than the way Richard Cheese turns everything into a lounge song or "Weird" Al Yankovic does polka versions of the latest hits. All that said, Chris is outstanding again. He's good, but he's always good in the exact same way. He's like a restaurant where you always order the same thing.

The thing that bugged me about this performance is that it felt way too short. This version of "I Walk The Line" had this incredible dramatic tension that built up and then nothing happened. I liked the idea of the song--it seemed to me that Chris understands that Johnny Cash songs aren't cute oldies. There's more to them than that. Someone how has never been tempted doesn't write a song like "I Walk The Line". The song is meaningless without a sense of temptation and the dark side, which is what Chris' version brought out.

Wow, that's probably the most I've ever written about an Idol performance. In the end, I give it an 8, but I want to see Chris do something a little different and at least give me a hint at what else might be on the menu.

Following Chris is the lovely Katharine to sing "Come Rain or Come Shine". This is just a vanity performance: oh look at me, I'm singing Ella Fitzgerald!. It goes on forever but doesn't actually go anywhere. I like Katharine, but this bores me. The judges love her, but I think it's just a 6.

Taylor is up next and shockingly, he's not singing Ray Charles. Instead, he'll sing "Not Fade Away". He's wearing some hideous baby blue suit and he jumps all around the stage, but he too is kind of boring. It's a bad song choice as all it requires him to do is jump around and yell "Not Fade Away!". He's capable of much better, so tonight he only gets a 5.

It's time for the doomed, as Lisa hits the stage trying her best to look young while singing "Why Do Fools Fall In Love". Here's all I have to say about Lisa: she needs to go to Broadway and maybe she'll be interesting if she can pretend to be someone else. A 4 and she's so going home.

Moving to the doomed of a different kind, Kevin, who totally doesn't get the joke, sings "When I Fall In Love". He's all sweet and innocent and vulnerable and maybe the 12-year olds love that, but the people who are voting for him just to mock the show are bored. If Kevin wanted those votes he had to embarass himself and sing something like "Great Balls of Fire". This could be a huge strategic error. It's a 5, because the vocals weren't that bad and he's still not as boring as Lisa.

Elliott puts too many runs on "Teach Me Tonight" and he too is a little Broadway, but he's genuinely good, so it makes him far more tolerable than some of the others. A 6.

HA! Barry Manilow totally rips on what a dumbass Pickler is. Awesome. Barry gets a 10. With the makeup gun set to "whore", Pickler predictably hits the stage to sing Patsy Cline's "Walking After Midnight". She sings it exactly how you'd expect, all full of fake twang. I hate it, but the judges love her because she stayed in her country pop box. I'll give her a 3 with the full understanding that she's going to back here next week. Ugh.

Pretty boy Ace sings "In The Still Of The Night". This is supposed to be a "jazzed up" performance and about two notes in I can tell I'm going to hate it. It's so beyond wussy that it creates a whole new level of wussiness, which I'm calling "Acey" for now. What happened to Ace? He used to be good and now I think he's even worse than Kevin. Despite his lovely glory note at the end, I can't give him more than a 4. Sorry.

My rankings:
1. Mandisa
2. Paris
3. Chris
4. Elliott
5. Bucky
6. Katharine
7. Taylor
8. Kevin
9. Ace
10. Lisa
11. Pickler

I think Lisa is going home.

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